LONELINESS IS CONFUSION

 This is for all the lonely (confused) people

I was one once too and without daily lhojong practice, who knows Confusion is like rust, it never sleeps 

I came across a rabbit hole of : I have no friends : videos on the YouTubes

and it walloped me, the dearth of comprehension producing needless suffering. 

I wonder what people imagine when they imagine the word friend, at what age that was created and how it is manipulated by marketing to capitalize on a built-in mechanism that requires belonging, but not through external acceptance but internally, a belonging to onelself that is then shared in community grounded in a self-confidence born of integrity, like a mountain, That ought to have been guided to flourish during early rearing through enlightened parenting 

You are missing nothing unless you decide you are. You are the decider

"Friends" are an illusion

Friends aren't like LOVE MONEY you keep in the bank

Friends aren't minders or handlers of validaters

That is all up to you

Friends aren't proof of your existence

Friends do not determine your worth or ability or survival

Friends are not in a fox hole with you in this war of life

This life is not a war

All encounters with others are opportunities to interact in a friendly non-biased open manner

Friends are for puppies, they are transitional to individuating

When you grow up you have Collaborators: co-adventurers, bosses, employees, co-workers, people who have common interests, common love, people you see at the gym at the same time every day, people you meditate with, take karate with, sing with, FELLOW FOODIES on MeetUp.com you eat with, people you take improv classes with people who hang on the youtubes etc. you get the point, people you do service for, because, you're fully confident

Loneliness is not (re)attaching to yourself

your own source of being

to what lights you on fire

It is needing reassurance or validation (or distraction)

Things we cannot put on others,

No one knows exactly what our path is

Unless you know what you want it's just noise: confusion, pain, suffering

It's all within never without.

Your mood is not something to fixate or fixate on

it is never permanent, unless you neurotically continue to refixate on it

WHAT ANYONE WANTS IS TO BE LIT BY THEIR OWN INTERNAL FIRE AND THAT IS AN ART FORM

THAT IS A DAILY PRACTICE OF ENGAGEMENT

WITH ONE'S OWN BEING OF UNIQUE DESIRES AND JOYS

(there's room for all, there's no competition, that's big business delusional bullshit)

THIS IS HOW TO BE A WARRIOR A MOUNTAIN A REFUGE TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS YOUR DESIRES WILL HUMBLE YOU LEARN YOU BREAK YOU AND FILL YOU WITH JOY YOU MUST PURSUE THEM THEY POLISH YOU SO YOU SHINE AND THAT SHINE ATTRACTS OR REFLECTS THE SAME IN OTHERS

GLORIOUS INDEED IT IS

When you're all about what you love then you swim in the same streams of similars

and that makes most excellent collaborations

If you need to improve communication skills?

Excellent opportunity to seek out a collaborator for that

OK

(no matter how many friends you have, no one is ever there when you need them because karma, because you don't "need" them)

Now, just breathe, relax the left brain, stop terrorizing yourself that you're missing something and allow your creativity to guide your thoughts

We are always flowing around eachother

you don't need to scoop out a handful and use them to expand your ego territory

Abandon juvenillity

If you need to share some happy news with someone, the barista that makes my coffee most mornings and I have excellent 2 min. buoyant banter convos... are we friends?

Grow the fuck up.

lol

namaste.

#loneliness #lonely #nofriends #youtube #starbucks have great #baristas #mentalhealth

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LGBTQRSTHY

Labels create psychological territory. 

Territory is big business.

#pride

Commited

There are no adverse forces at work.  This is important to recognize. I'm recommiting to life,  I will say to life, you know, perhaps it wasn't that you didn't want me, perhaps it was that I needed life to validate me and it refused, because that is far more sustainable to be unreliant on approval or love. Then one is not living out of need or desire, but freedom. 

MIND TRAININGS

 It's easy or perhaps convenient to hate a criminal 

or a criminal hater, either way

hatred is being served righteousness 

but, I am a criminal or was

or fortunately for me at least

I'd say I'm probably the worst person I know

ART

One can't just show up at the Boston MFA on free after 4pm Wednesdays anymore, unfortunately

I didn't want to google the situation, did I need a timed entrance, a membership,         a life plan

The free drawing in the galleries was getting out of hand anyways

DEPRESSION AND DEAD THINGS

I'm growing to hate that word love. 

He's lying here next to me snorting through his pin-holes. 

I've never even googled his breed. 

His history

His name is Omar. 

That name no longer feels good to me since I heard my mother say it. 

She mangled the simplicity in her mouth OWE MAHHRR. I can't even say it anymore. 

I call him Rumi most times. He's my roomie. 

 Khayyam isn't even a favorite poet, but he was Persian and cats ought be named after poets

at the time Rumi felt too big to claim for myself 

even though it's what I wanted, for him

I give myself many rules to let myself know that I am an unworthy person.  

To fail. To not try. To not even try.
I have a primary purpose and it is to keep myself from feeling embarrassed, looking bad, feeling foolish, stupid, ignorant but most of all rejected. To not try.  To not fail. All such things.

I've been playing with old memories. Old miseries. Old missings. 
Rumi is now about to heave a hair ball.

Pi is my dog. She is a Lhasa Apso. I was terrified when I got her, convinced I couldn't take care of her and it was challenging to my identity of unworthiness

I guess I am grateful that my father, in his infinite wisdom of what a fucker he is, doesn't bother to contact me.
Have you ever looked in your fathers eyes

and see the expression that lets you know

He thinks of you as a mistake from a mistake

Yeah, that's what I saw that day, finally

So easy for a parent to gaslight a child 

The first key to liberate this confusion

 is to recognize you are

in an escape room and not a home 

It takes bravery to be kind, to try.

I keep forgetting that heaven is here in every moment. It's the price of admission this amnesia. It's overcast out so there are no #nextgen low-flyover planes buzzing overhead so I am feeling hopeful, but I know as the day follows night that when the planes return I will again feel despondent. The idea of kryptonite is best referenced in this situation. Women know about hormones, about the insanity. Sound is hardwired to my hormones, my limbic system. I'm afraid that if the situation doesn't improve I may have to leave. Meanwhile I ought to put into effect several projects to make things more to my liking.

My dog Pi.